Today, I had one of those "Now THIS is what I've always envisioned for motherhood" moments! It's been really happening; The girls are adjusting to the new means of teaching, and seem to be not only understanding the approaches and routines in the day-to-day, but also accepting and even embracing it all. I've moved past some more recently-emerging emotional set-backs, and Joel and I are connecting like we've known one another since birth (feels like we have!) Mind clarity has returned, along with my typically optimistic disposition. Seems like we're all new and improved versions of ourselves!
Prior to this - I had been still feeling a little bit unsure, and not like myself. I was beginning to place too much on myself again, and too much importance on things that - well - simply weren't.
I started to talk it through with Joel (the best ear in the world now!) Truly my best friend, he and I are able to talk about and figure out anything together! We had our trials, and I realized that the reason we kept coming back to one another is because we've always maintained a deep, sincere, knowledge and understanding of one another. We have trust. We've shared everything with each other, and what has brought us to the place we are now - aiding in that development of who we are today. And, we have shared many experiences over the years as well. We were very young when we met, and we had to do a lot of growing as individuals, before we could adequately and confidently grow as a couple. There's something about truly knowing someone - and not feeling a need to 'hide' anything from them... and having them love and accept you fully in spite of that openness. It's SO rare! We really have something worth celebrating. But you have to fully know and accept and love yourself first :) We've done that - and now, our bond with one another is inexplicably amazing!
I had also been feeling a bit frustrated about the fact that so few people in the world find it applicable to truly BE themselves/ be REAL. While I find it exceptionally freeing to not worry about what others think/ how I'm being judged, and can be open and be myself, without the fear of someone "finding out" something about me... it's still difficult to truly connect with people on that level when they won't fully open up in return. I wish more people could realize - hey - people will judge you no matter what. So why not let them judge you for who you really are??? That way - the people who choose to stay in your life and connect with you - are TRUE friends/ real connections. Who wants to maintain a bunch of relationships based solely on your perception of their false perceptions of you? OR, worse yet, on what you can "get out of them"?
An ex-friend has that exact approach to her relationships. It's sad to realize that. Even worse was the hurt I felt upon learning that it also applied to me - I wasn't immune to her ways. Over the years - growing up together and sharing in so much - I really didn't think that her nuances (particularly her self-esteem issues) would get in the way of our friendship. I believed we had more. I believed we had something deep, something true. I was accepting of her 'faults' - as she had been/ seemed to be of mine. There were other 'friends' in my past who had come and gone - and without a sense of loss. I had seen it coming/ saw things for what they were - and even felt relief when they chose to move on when I would confront them about how they were making me feel. But this was different. I had invested much more into this - and felt that there was more to it than there really had been. She played her game well over the years. But it occurred to me that I hadn't fully let go. I couldn't figure out why - until I realized I had been going through the stages of grief. At first - denial - and continuing to give her the benefit of the doubt. Then, anger... (What a bitch!) Finally - acceptance: It really hurt that I felt there was more to our friendship, and she totally took advantage of that. But, now I see it for what it is, have dealt with my emotions, and can completely let it all go! Yep, a weight was removed :) And I move forward knowing that I am a real person - comfortable in my skin, and strong enough to overcome the greed, jealousy, immaturity, selfishness, and insecurities that others try to hide, (and put onto those around them to deny to themselves as well.)
I used to think this friend had the "epitemy of a happy relationship" with her then-bf. Now, I realize that they are in those "amorous" stages still - because they haven't really opened up and shared with one another, on many levels. This - in an attempt to avoid possible hurt and possible controversy, is ultimately damning - because their relationship is based on only part of what true couple-hood is about. Couple-hood comes with inevitable trials, differences and challenges. Overcoming them is a large part of the happiness behind couple-hood, as well as the strength you find in that process and the closeness you continue to develop by wanting to continue to move forward with that person who knows and loves you for you. I'll take the trials that Joel and I have had to overcome, coupled with our deep connection - over a partial trust and less hardship as we grew, any day!
Joel and I are beyond connected. The girls are responding miraculously to our new parenting approach - which puts Joel and I on the same page as well... And, to top it off, I'm done grieving (now that I realized that was part of my problem!) Besides that - I'm not feeling like I have to be apologetic for being me - when the real problem lies within other people who can't be true to themselves... All a big weight-off? You bet! Feeling like the mom and wife, and the individual that I've always known myself to be - can only lead to further triumphs as we attend to all of the matters, decisions, ups & downs, and other curves in life. The tension is gone, my ability to see what's truly important has returned to the forefront of my mind's eye, and the true connections with the people who are really IN my life, are what matter most! Embracing that!!
TIP: BE true to yourself. It's the only way to really be true to others. If that pushes people away - those weren't real friendships to begin with.
And the best for last! “I would much rather have regrets about not doing what people said, than regretting not doing what my heart led me to and wondering what life had been like if I'd just been myself.” ~Brittany Renée
WHIDFML: Joel and I and the girls spent our Sunday picking out organic goods and wine half-barrels in which to plant a couple of "Salsa Gardens"! It never felt rushed or frustrating - the girls were gems, and we all had a fantastic day in the sun!